Tuesday, December 7, 2010
My mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before
From now until she dies
She'll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mom how she is
And because she can't explain
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain
Ask my mom how she is
She'll say "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn't have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell
Ask my mom how she is
"I'm fine. I'm well. I'm coping."
For God sake's mom just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine
We are here in Heaven
We cannot hug from here
If she lies to you, don't listen
Hug her and hold her near
On the day we meet again
We'll smile and I'll be bold
I'll say "You're lucky to get in here Mom,
With all the lies you told."
Friday, November 26, 2010
CAN YOU BE A MOTHER WHEN YOUR CHILD IS NOT WITH YOU?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A mother has a baby
That we know is true
But God can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?
Yes, you can. He replied,
with confidence in his voice
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat
And then I saw the tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say
We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have mum
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free
I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her everyday
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here
So you see my dear sweet ones
Your children are okay
Your babies are born here, in my home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with me
Until your lessons through
And on the day you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Friday, October 29, 2010
I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step
Yet I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy
I can tell in other's eyes they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them
But once you put them on you can never take them off
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much
Some women have worn these shoes so long that the days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything
They have made me who I am
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who had lost a child
Friday, October 15, 2010
Don't let them say I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start
Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, Not of me
God chose me to move on
I know the pain the drowns your soul
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace
You'll hear that it was meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache
I'm watching over all you do
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there
There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand
Although I've never breathed your air
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was
An angel never dies
In Memory of Taelyn Marie
Thursday, October 14, 2010
At 7:00pm we will be lighting a candle in remembrance. Please do this if you know someone....or even if you don't to acknowledge our loss or losses.
To all of our little angels out there.....I will be thinking about you all and remembering our much you were loved and wanted and are missed.
In remembrance of Taelyn Marie Mary Catherine Peckford
Born Wednesday June 2nd 2010 at 6:34pm
Weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz, 22 in long
You were beautiful
You are loved
You are missed
You were mine
Saturday, October 2, 2010
We had and still do have hopes for you. It may sound strange seeing as you are not physically around, but we still want the best for you and hope you get everything you want....even on the other side I guess.
I heard this song again recently....and thought of you and your brother.
We miss you Taelyn
and your little pouty mouth
your red hair
your long piano fingers
your teeny tiny wrists
your big hands ...lol
your delicate little feet
your long legs
your chipmunk cheeks
your button nose
your stubbornness which showed through during the pregnancy
your little bum
your constant hiccuping
we miss being able to hold you
and smell you
and rock you to sleep
and sing to you
and play with you
and be around you
but most of all ...love you
Its been 4 months since you became an angel and grew your wings
Thursday, September 2, 2010
While I was away I thought about a lot of things. I found myself getting emotional a few times over the "what ifs" again. I just kept thinking what it would have been like having Taelyn with us. What would it be like to be taking care of my 14 month old son and my 2 month old daughter. I realized that as much as I have said it and explained it to others.....it really truly hit me....how much I miss her. I miss her soo much it hurts. I miss not having her here, and I miss that she did not get to meet her brother. I miss that Keirnan did not get to be a big brother. My babies were less then 12 months apart. I had my very own set of Irish twins, and one was taken away. I would have loved to watch the two of them grow over the past 3 months. Keirnan started walking and talking and being as much of a little devil as I had expected. I would have loved to watch Taelyn smile and laugh at her big brother. Keirnan probably would have smacked her and threw things at her, but I think they would have been so close.
Today, I was counting down until tomorrow. I thought tomorrow was Taelyn's 3 months angel day. I was wrong. I just realized that today is September 2nd. 3 months ago I was sitting in the recovery room holding her now. 3 months ago my whole world changed. I won't say it has changed for the worse....I will say for the better. Let me explain. My daughter came into my life and then was taken from me just before I was expecting her to join us. You would think that this would be a negative thing. It was and yet it wasn't. I am so happy and thankful that she chose to be with us even for that short period of time. I am so thankful for her and everything she has taught me over the past year. I have learned to truly appreciate life, my son, my husband, and everything and everyone around me. I used to be one to sweat the small stuff, now I'm not. I try and look at the bigger picture now.
One of the things I promised Taelyn after she died was that I would try and appreciate everything.....I just hope I don't disappoint her.
Off topic I just thought I would tell ya how the night has been going. My husband, my son, and myself went out for a bit to run some errands. We got back, put the wee one to bed, and I sat down to watch my favorite show....Big Brother....Yes I love it. I know. But really, what's not fun about watching a bunch of people locked up in a house going stir crazy. Its great! Any who, as I was saying. I was sitting on my couch and had just started playing my show (my husband had come in and sat down with his laptop....trying to ignore my show) when we heard it. I had heard it last night when I was sitting watching the end of another fav show of mine. Keirnan's toy. Let me explain. A few months back when Keirnan was starting to crawl, I had had a horrible week. He was getting into things....like the light sockets....and under things...like my couch. We decided to turn our dining room into a playroom with gates and everything. Thank goodness, it saved my sanity. So in this playroom (which is connected to our living room) is most of my son's toys. He has a little ball pit, some toddler cars, and a toy box. Among some of the toys are his baby toys. One of these toys is a table type of thing (but we took the legs off of it) that plays music and sings. Anyways, I was sitting on the couch last night when this table toy started playing music and singing. Out of the blue. Nothing near it. It was not the first time this has happened to me. The night of Taelyn's funeral, my family were all sitting in my living room and one of his little bike/walker toys started playing music as well with no one around it. Since that night it happens every so often. Well tonight was no different expect the toy. This particular toy has not made one peep unless tampered with. It has only played music if touched.
Well, when it started my husband started laughing. Then after the first ABC song it went quiet. About 15 seconds later it stared playing it again. After about a half and hour of the ABC song I decided to turn the page on it to just music....I did this thinking that if it is a fluke....it should stop. It didn't. The table played for an hour. It stopped shortly after. I said to my husband I think Taelyn liked the ABC song better, so he went and changed it back. It has since played once more and has now gone quiet. Odd huh.
Happy 3 month Angelday Taelyn. We love you and miss you every second of every day!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
As I previously said, I think about Taelyn every second of every day. I cannot even if I tried not think about her. I think about my son a lot, but its as much as Taelyn. Keirnan is in my thoughts regularly. Yet when I'm sleeping....its all about me.....and Taelyn. She doesn't leave my head.
So I'm guessing this is one of the stages of grief. The missing or yearning for that special someone who is no longer with you. I am fine with this. The problem is that I think it is affecting other things....like my memory. I cannot remember squat! I remember being told prior to my son being born about pregnancy brain, which turns into mommy brain. Its true, I couldn't remember a whole lot. Then with my pregnancy with Taelyn my memory got even worse...this mix of mommy brain and pregnancy brain. But now, I'm done. I remember that I need to feed my son, and when to bathe him. But that's about it.
The other thing I'm finding about this grief thing is that I can go through a whole variety of emotions in a short period of time. I am a red head which does not help this matter. So I am already prone to jumping from one feeling to another. Add this with the previous....and I think my family is screwed...lol.
I am trying to remind myself that I needed to learn something from what has happened. I need to remember to fully appreciate life and what it has to offer. I forget this every now and again. I will say this....I'm not like this every day. Most days I'm good....still can't remember anything but my moods are good. Yet every once and awhile....BAM! I get into this funk of not liking anything. I guess this is something that I will either learn to live with or it will slowly subside.....who knows.
Monday, August 2, 2010
2 months since that day. A day that will stay with me forever. Its funny ...well not really...but I'm still going to use that expression. As I have been reading over other blogs or anything really I can find about women or men in my "situation" (that's the new name I have coined it when speaking to others), I am finding that we all have the exact same thought process give or take. We all share the same feelings and worries and thoughts. Of course going through it is very similar, but really to be on exactly the same page...how crazy is that. WE have not all had the same life, family, or whatnot but we have been hit with this punch that feels the same.
I mentioned this during my first blog that I love details..not only to receive but I feel I must give a whole look into something for others to fully understand. So I want to let anyone who has not gone through this fully understand what it is like. And no worries...I'm not trying to torture you or make you feel like you are helpless in this. But to give you a better and deeper understanding to what goes through my head or the heads of others on this crappy journey.
Have you ever felt like you lost something or forgot something...and for the life of you couldn't figure it out. Its a constant worry and fear that you cannot get out of your head? Or when you were younger, do you remember liking a guy or girl. Ok I'm not done yet....lol....but liking them and waking up liking them. It never went away...well until you liked someone else...haha. But every single thought you had was about that one person. If not well I guess I was odd. I remember liking a whole array of guys growing up and each one was the be all end all to me. Then, the next month another one would be that same. But I remember not being able to do anything without thinking about them. Well that is what life is like now.
I wake up and think of Taelyn. I go to sleep and think about Taelyn. I dream about Taelyn. I am constantly feeling like I misplaced something and cannot find it. I also will say (not to be a downer) that when reading others stories I realized ....they were me. They thought like me and responded like me. It really freaked me out when I first came upon these stories. Overall I feel as if I am lost now. I vaguely remember being lost as a kid. Searching and searching for my mom. That feeling. Fear, anxiety, panic. That is what I feel every day. I feel as if I am lost and I cannot find my way out.
I also feel as if there is a gaping hole....like I am missing something. I thought 6 weeks ago this would get better. I thought it was grief. I have since realized it is not. It is Loss. A loss of a close family member is pretty bad. I know I have thought about if I lost my mom or husband I would be devastated.... This is different..... This is part of me.
I think it is worse because I (although some help was needed ..lol) made her. I grew her and watered her and fed her. And I watched her grow...along with myself...lol. She was mine. And until delivery....ALL MINE. I do not undermine or underestimate what my husband or any other male in this situation is going through by no means. But it is different. My husband had said we get a head start, meaning the mommies. We get 9 months of bonding with our wee ones, so the father is at a disadvantage. Which sucks for them, they have to make this time up.
As the female or mother...I will automatically go through certain emotions...even after grief has left the building. I will blame....question....wonder...and regret (no, not her...but why didn't I listen to my gut). I truly believe by reading and researching everything I can find, most women if not all knew something was wrong. But as usual because we are told its "normal" for the movements to decrease its OK.
I have thought a lot about what has happened. I know I am fine with Taelyn leaving. I still have moments of questioning and wondering. I don't blame myself or God. I don't believe I ate too many Caesar salads or hot dogs. Or that I didn't sleep on my left side or my baths were too long or too hot. I don't believe that I could have changed the outcome or timing. I fully accept what was suppose to happen and what did happen. Just every once and awhile, I think back and wish it hadn't.
Happy 2 month birthday Taelyn Marie....we love and miss you baby girl XoXoXo
Sunday, July 25, 2010
TINY LITTLE WINGS
A precious little girl, we never got to know
Was taken from her mother, only 3 weeks to go
There is no rhyme or reason, for this tragedy
We will never get to know, our little Taelyn Marie
This innocent little bundle, so fragile and so sweet
A beautiful baby girl, so tiny and petite
The face of an angel, not ready to take flight
Yet someone must have needed her, to steal her in the night
Taelyn's brother Keirnan, won't get to see her grow
Or watch her ride her bicycle, as she becomes a pro
Most of all she won't be there, to meet her mom and dad
Joe & Sherene, the best parents a child could ever have
The flutter of her little wings, as God took her away
Were never heard on Arron Court at all the day
She would have kissed them all goodbye, before she left for heaven
Taking time to turn around, to see them once again
A tale that we were told, I'm sure that it is true
States that angel's raise the babies, who are taken way too soon
Taelyn is in heaven now, with lots of family
To love and watch over her, leaving us to grieve
If we look in the sky at night, I'm sure that we will see
A bright new shining star above, Our Angel, Taelyn Marie
After we had arrived home it was almost surreal. The house was the exact same as when we had left it, yet it felt emptier. Over the next few days we informed the rest of the people who did not know. We tried to sort out the funeral, while waiting to find out when the autopsy was to be done. That took a few days to do, but once it was done we set the date and waited. I found as the days grew closer to the funeral I became very anxious. I couldn't wait until the funeral. I was sort of excited. I know it sounds weird but I was so excited to see Taleyn again. I wanted to see her and hold her and have another moment of just cuddling her, and looking her over again. The day before we ran around trying to get a cute little pink blanket and a big teddy bear. I had planned on getting them for her just prior to her birth but hadn't. We looked everywhere for a big teddy bear, but couldn't find one. It wasn't until 10pm the night before that my husband had been out still looking and called me. He had found one. The funny part is he was walking around walmart holding this big teddy bear, I laughed when he had told me everyone was watching him.
The next day we had a full house. Both of our parents were here, our friends had drove down and had stayed overnight, and more family had come over to help. We all drove over and sat in the lobby waiting. Everyone was sort of relaxed but I remember I was anxious. Very very anxious. I couldn't wait to get inside the little room to see her once again. Finally the director came and took us in....and there she was. In her little white bed covered with silk and satin was my little angel. I know most people who saw it or could even imagine it would think how sad, but to me it was perfect and beautiful. She lay there wrapped in her silky pink blanket that we had bought her. I had spent the few days prior sewing together a little slip to go under my baptism gown. We had decided to use it as something special to give her. We wanted to put a few things in her coffin with her so the dress was from me and my husband had got his blankie from when he was a baby to give to her. His parents had kept it so when we found out about that we added to her casket.
She was beautiful. She had rosy red lips and that pout. Her little hands had a teeny tiny cross (which we also had found out on our search) wrapped around her hands and long skinny fingers. I have the same fingers...i was told they are great piano fingers. Her little lace bonnet which I was worried would be too small was actually too big and covered her little head. She was soo precious. It is odd....like I had said....most would find it sad and upsetting. Whereas I just found it beautiful and peaceful...she looked like a perfect little angel..who was sleeping. I know now I was very lucky. I would have loved her anyway, but as I have been since told she was beautiful looking. Because of the short period of time between her passing and finding out she was the exact same as she was in the womb, no changes had occurred which I am extremely grateful for.
I had made a cd of various songs to play. I had chosen them almost as a tribute to her. I had the song Baby Mine from dumbo, Tears in Heaven, Calling all Angels, Hallelujah, One Sweet Day, and Precious Child. This song was our song. We had found it after we had been looking around on the Internet for songs that would fit. And it was perfect. The last song on the cd was my favorite song that I had sang to Keirnan, Tura Lura Lura.
The funeral was sad and beautiful. The priest said some amazing words which others have told me have stuck with them. Now as I think back I cannot remember anything that was said really. I just remember that I stared at her the whole time. We had decided to have a brief viewing at the beginning before the service for anyone who had wanted to see her. At the beginning of the service we had closed the casket. The whole time I just stared. Well, I can't say that entirely. We had decided to bring Keirnan to the funeral. He was almost a year, but we thought this was his sister and he had a right to be there. So half way through the service he had gotten ancy and decided to start throwing his shoes at the priest. And when not doing that he just stared at the flowers and bears and things and talked baby talk to them. It was a mood lightener for sure.
After the service was done we had invited both of our parents and a few close friends to add something to her casket. A few little angels, a little stuffed animal, some flowers, and our little gifts were all added. After everyone left we got our chance to hold her once again. I had bugged the director that if it was possible to let us hold her one last time, and we did. I had forgotten how light she was. We stared at her pout, hair, fingers, and nose. We took more pictures. We made little jokes about how she would have gotten away with anything with that pout. It was fantastic. It gave us what we didn't get when in the hospital....joy. The joy that I couldn't feel from shock. We had made and had a beautiful and healthy looking and perfect baby girl. We basked in her beauty one last time and gave her back to be put back to bed. We said goodnight one last time and closed the lid.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Recently I have been reading other people's blogs and whatever I can find really relating to our situation. I find a lot of comfort in reading these blogs. I have found on many occasions while reading that I sit there thinking how do they know whats in my head. How do they seem to say exactly word for word what I am feeling and thinking. Its odd really, for a world full of strangers who have been raised differently and had totally different life experiences....we are all the same in our loss and our grief. I know I have said many a times recently that I do tend to look at death unlike most others. I do not normally dwell in it, or get depressed, or angry. I found myself going through all the stages....quite quickly, but also having a full understanding and almost a peacefulness come over me regarding Taelyn. I am not saying I do not think about her every minute of every day, because I do. Yet, I also had this ....I don't know what it is...but I know it was supposed to happen and I am fine with that. I have my odd days where I do get angry....not at god or whatever else...but just p.o'd at the fact that I wish I still had my daughter. I was looking forward to little pink dresses...as much as I hate pink..which I really really HATE PINK!!
Anyways here is the final edition to that day.
After I was told about Taelyn, I was asked if I had someone waiting for me....which I didn't. I was informed that while I had been waiting for my u/s tech to come back, they had phoned my doctor and my substitute doctor...and then the hospital. All were fully informed and ready and waiting for me to arrive at the hospital. So at that point I finally realized what had taken her soo long to get back.
I got dressed and made my way to my car. I was trying to fight the tears (I hate crying in public places when I don't know anyone...unless its a sad movie and I'm at the movie theater) while paying for my parking. I don't remember most of my drive home until I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew I only had a short time before I was home and wanted to pull it together before I arrived. I did not want to walk in the door and have my husband be able to tell from my face and worry. I didn't want my son to see me all red blotchy faced and not understand. So as I pulled into the driveway I took a deep breath....and waited. This was the last moment I had left before everything would come crashing down.
As I walked into the house I could only hear silence. My son was up for his nap. Good timing. I called Joe, who answered from the living room. I walked into the living room. Everything I had initially thought about saying while I was driving home went out of my head. He asked me how things had gone. I couldn't think straight. The words all came out without any control "We have to go to the hospital." "What?". "We have to go to the hospital". "Why?". "She didn't make it. She has no heartbeat. We lost her".
It was at this moment that I realized what I had been dreading the most. I knew I would have to either go through labor or have a c-section and the final result would be the same. I knew that I would be leaving the hospital empty handed. I knew that all of the little pink clothing was bought and would not be used. And all of the newborn bottles and nipples I had gotten out was for nothing. But I just couldn't handle telling my husband we or I had lost our daughter.
At this point we sat together and I tried to answer all of his questions. I told him I had to go to the hospital and I still needed to phone my mom. I told him to call his parents and let them know as well. I proceeded to call my mom at work. As the phone rang I was again trying to think of the best way to tell her. She picked up and asked me how I was doing. I said that I had just gotten back from my u/s. She asked how that had gone, in which I said the same thing as I had told my husband. I asked if she could possibly get out of work as I needed to go to the hospital and I needed someone to watch my son until I knew what was going on. She said she would leave right away and be over shortly. After calling my friend and informing her of what had happened I found my husband who was in the garage smoking. He had been trying to call his parents and his dad had finally called him back. He informed him of what was happening.
We got off the phone and packed my bag. At this point I started to worry as I had left my u/s at 11:30ish. it was now 1:00 and I knew the labor and delivery was waiting for me. I didn't want to be late. After that popped into my head, I thought what the hell am I thinking. It's not like its a rush now. It boggled me how everything was the same yet soo different. My thought process was the same, yet mildly messed up. I made a few more phone calls and we sat and waited. My mom showed up and we went out the door. Driving there was like a scene from a movie. We sat there quiet. No words were exchanged until my dad called and told us to hurry up and get to the hospital. My dad's odd. We got to the hospital and slowly made our way into L&D. We signed in and were escorted through the corridors. As we walked through the halls we could hear a women groaning in pain. On one hand I laughed thinking sucker, yet on the other hand I was sad as I was losing my chance of accomplishing that dream. I had been lucky enough to go through 24 hrs of labour with my son to end it all with a c-section. I was hoping this time I could go through labour and actually push the lil misses out.
As we walked past the nursing station they were all gathered around talking, which stopped as soon as we passed by. I felt like I was back in high school and had just walked by a bunch of people gossiping. After settling into our room my nurse and doctor came in. We spoke about my options...c-section or labour. All I wanted was to get her out. I didn't want to have to think about not having her, or possibly tricking myself into thinking she was till ok and I was going to have her. I wanted it done.
We found out it would be safer for me to do the c-section. I did not like the idea of pushing something out and not getting to take it home. At this point my in-laws showed up and we sat and waited. I was told that we had to wait until all surgeries were done as I was last on the list...I guess I wasn't special enough to be moved up...lol..
As we waited to discussed different things, basically anything to pass the time. I was visited by the social worker, nurses, and bereavement peeps. All just trying to gauge my grief and shock.
At about 5:30 I was taken in for my surgery. I sat there thinking it would all be over soon. I was thinking I would love for it to continue but only if I could have my daughter back. After I was prepped they allowed my hubby Joe to come in and sit with me. Prior to going in we had been asked if we wanted to see her after she was taken out...we said no. We wanted to wait until I was all sewn back up and back together. We wanted to be able to look at her and hold her together, not like when my son was born. When he was born I lay in the operating room trying not to bleed out from a ruptured artery while my son got passed around from family member to family member. You could say I was a tad upset. I had hardly got to see him let alone hold him. So this time we wanted to do it together.
When all was finished I was wheeled into the recovery room. My husband came in and we were handed our own little angel. She was beautiful. She was me. She had my lips and chubby cheeks and what a pout this kid had. Oh and the best or worst part....she was a redhead just like her mudder. We looked her over like you always do checking out her hands and feet, counting her toes and fingers. She was perfect and beautiful, and ours :)
We invited our parents in at different times, so everyone had a chance to bask in her beauty.... and their own grief and sadness. After everyone had held her and left, we just sat there holding her. I realize now I was numb. I had no emotions. I wasn't happy or sad or depressed or anything. I was numb. We took a few pictures. I tried to warm her abit cuz she was not as warm as I thought she should be. Shock and mother's instinct. The nurse offered to cut some of her hair and to take a few pictures. After what seemed like minutes but instead was 4 hours we were asked if we were ready to go to my room. I was being placed on a surgery floor instead of in the mothers and babies unit. We were then asked if we wanted to take her with us, now I wish we had. We were not told we could bathe her, or get her dressed, or even put a diaper on her. All I could think was what do I do with her if she comes upstairs with me? Shock and numbness....dammit.
I was wheeled upstairs and settled into my room. I was checked a couple of times and was left alone to try and sleep. Joe had opted to stay with me for the night and slept next to me on a cot. He fell asleep very fast. I finally drifted off to sleep and found myself waking up every 20 mins or so just thinking. I thought about the whole day. I thought about the night before. I thought about all of my fears coming true. I thought about what my day could have been like. I continued this all night. Eventually morning finally came. I told joe there was no way I could spend another night in the hospital. I couldn't sleep and could not deal with everything while being bugged every few minutes. My doctor had come in every hour from 7:30. Finally at 1:30 he came in and I told him I was all good and I had to leave. I promised I would take it easy but I had to go. So after hours of pleading every time he came in, he finally discharged me. I packed my bags and spoke to the nurse. I went over everything that I had been told by the social worker, and counsellors, and whoever else came to check me. I had been given a memory box to take home with me. I guess they do this so at least your taking something home with ya. We walked out of the hospital with the memories of my daughter in tow and went to my mom's to get my son.
When at my mom's house we went over everything that we had been told or saw or felt while in the hospital. The funeral arrangements. This was stuck into my head. We had to have a funeral. We had decided to have an autopsy done. We had to still call people to inform them. All of this stuff was whirling around in my head.
We also had discussed how in shock my OB was. Like I had said before. I had seen him the day before. He didn't understand what had happened. His face will stay with us for as long as we can remember. He was in shock himself. We could see him going over what he had heard and felt and how could he have missed this. We actually felt bad for him. He was the head of the L&D at the hospital and he was stumped on what had happened. He had come in after I was taken to recovery and told us that Taleyn looked like she was sleeping. He said physically there was nothing wrong with her. He could not figure out what had gone wrong as "she was perfect". He also had said in the 30 years he has been doing this he has never had this happen where there were no signs of a problem. We kept going over this. It was at this time I told my husband what I had been thinking from the moment I had found out....it was suppose to happen. There was nothing we could have done about it. She was suppose to be here only for a short period of time.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
In February we went for a 3d u/s. During this ultrasound we got to see our lil one's face. Although most of the time she had her arms over her head (I was told many a times that when a child or baby does this that means they are very relaxed), she was adorable. She stuck her tongue out, sucked on her thumb, and even sucked her toes a bit. Its funny when a baby does it its cute, when an adult does it its gross...things to think about. Anyways, after that everything was going well. Around the 7 month mark I had noticed decreased movements so I told my OB and was booked for another u/s and a non stress test. A non stress test is basically you go into a room, lay down, they strap a monitor on ya and you sit there for a half hour counting movements. It was interesting even then. All that morning and the day before Taelyn hardly moved. Then I go into the non stress and she moved more in that 30 minutes then she had moved the whole month before. Her heartrate had gone down at one point during the month and after another u/s all was well.
The next few months flew by again with no major issues. I had an u\s at 30 weeks. When I was at the dr's office a week later I was told that Taelyn's head was oddly shaped. I didn't understand and had to get the doctor to explain it to me again the next day, so I could better explain it to my husband. Taelyn's head had measure correctly one way, but differently another. My first response was "OMG. She's got a cone head?" In which the doctor explained "No. This is normal. If the baby is in the same position for a long period of time, sometimes is can affect the growing." Basically, she was stuck in one side which in turn affected her noggin and it was normal. It would change by the time she made her grand appearance. Good news! I was worried I would have to change her name from Taelyn to Eggbert!
Finally I was at my 36th week. I had 4 weeks to go unless she decided to come early. I was praying she wouldn't as her brother's 1st birthday was approaching and my biggest worry at that time (yeah..now I know not that big of a worry in hindsight) was she would come early and we would have to delay my son's birthday, or he would have to share it. That weekend hubby was going up north with the boys. I called my mom and friend to come over and keep me company... as I am a wuss. This was not the main reason though. I wanted help getting my son's new room cleaned and ready so he could move in, and to get Taelyn's room ready for her. The plan was for my son to get the bigger room and move Taelyn into his nursery. I needed to go though all the clothes and baby things in preparation. I had been going through my nesting phase and needed to make sure all was right in our household. The weekend went by...not everything got accomplished, which now we wonder if that was an omen. Monday came and I had felt some movement but the lil misses was not a big mover during the day so I was never really too worried. Most days I knew all was good because she hiccuped all the time. She never moved if I drank pop, or ate chocolate, or did anything really. The only time I could get her to move myself was to lay down and roll onto my side. She hated when I slept or lied on my side. So where was I....Tuesday came I got ready and showered and went in for my doctor's appt. I lied down on the bed and he came in and asked me how I was doing and how were the movements. I told him OK...but that she wasn't moving too much...but I guess that's normal for this late. He measured my belly and felt her position, and listened to her heart rate. It was in the 130's. I told him I had an u/s the next day and that I would be seeing my regular OB (she was on vaca) from then on. He said good luck and bye.
That night I had the same feeling I had had the night before. I had told my husband that thankfully I have the u/s tomorrow as she is really not that active and its freakin me out. I remember doing that with my son and every time I went into the dr's or u/s all was good. So again I thought the same thing was happening. Now I know it wasn't and I should have listened to my gut. Literally.
The next morning my hubby had allowed me to sleep in. He came into get me at 9:30 as my u/s was at 10:30. I got up and got dressed and went downstairs. I felt weird. My belly felt heavy. Not the heaviness I felt when I would roll over during the night and the baby would roll with me. I found with my son and daughter that during the night if I had to roll over and if they were in a deep sleep I would get a thump in my belly. They would roll with me and thump onto the other side. That of course would wake them up..lol. Then, I would have to deal with them getting all comfortable again before settling back to sleep. The other thing that I noticed with Taelyn was that she did not like me lying on my sides which is what your supposed to do. She only liked when I slept on my back...she would wiggle her little bum into my left side and fall asleep under my boob. It was quite funny to watch...you could actually see her moving her bum and nuzzeling it in.
After getting ready and running around I rushed out of the house. My husband was staying at home to watch our son as this was another random u/s. I got to the office and waited for a little bit and was called in. As I sat in the change room waiting to be called I remember asking god that everything be alright. I tried rubbing my belly to get a reaction, but there was nothing. Again I hoped it was just another deep sleep or her pure stubbornness that was stressing me out. I was finally called and walked into the room. I sat down on the bed and began answering the tech's questions. Why am I there...for an u/s. Why? Because my OB wanted one to check on the weight. Why? BECAUSE she wanted one to check the weight. No this is not my first pregnancy. YES I did have one during the same time period with my son. WHY? TO CHECK THE WEIGHT! OK finally! Let's get this show on the road. I lied down on the bed again. I felt the warm gooey stuff, and waited. I felt the tech moving the scanner around. I sat there. I knew. I looked at her face. There was nothing....but I knew. She moved it around some more. After what seemed like forever probably only 5-10 minutes she said "please excuse me, I need to go check something". I knew. I sat up and looked at the monitor. I saw my name...the date...and a dark spot on the screen. I didn't know what it was. I could not tell if I was looking at my baby or something else. It was at this moment I thought she had changed the screen so I couldn't see what she had. Then I hoped "maybe there was something else wrong. OH....hopefully its me she found something wrong with. Please God....don't let anything be wrong with the baby. Let it be me!"
Seeing as I could not recognize what I was looking at....I looked around the room. I teared up....and then stopped myself. I thought "NO WAY. I am not thinking the worst. There is nothing wrong. She had to pee!" Trying to reassure myself didn't work.
After what seemed again like a lifetime....she walked back in....with a man in tow. "Oh Shit". He looked at me. She looked at me. I looked at her, then to him. "She's gone isn't she? There's no heartbeat?" He replied, "I'm so sorry. No there isn't." I said "I thought so. I just knew". I asked the tech if there was anything she had noticed was off. She told me she thought she was underweight. She thought she was the size of a 34 week old. She said she had stopped growing a few week back. I had asked how that was possible as I had had an u/s at 30 weeks and everything was fine besides her misshapen head. She said I don't know...I'm so sorry.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Well that was my little rant or expression of my feelings. I think that was enough for today on that subject so why not just continue with my story where I left off. Hmmm...where was I know. Oh yes...I was right! Haha....
We found out that I was pregnant again...I think the conception date was like 3 weeks after my son had been conceived a year earlier...so that meant 2 babies approximately or exactly 1 year apart. I remember thinking how excited I was, yet also thinking how exhausted I also was and how the hell I was going to handle a one year old and a newborn. Which meant no sleep at night or during the day.
The pregnancy started off like my previous one. But with this one I just knew I was pregnant. I started with the morning sickness and the exhaustion again. Then got the migraines and food aversions. I have always had cravings so that was no big deal, just my temper tantrums regarding food increased just a tad. My poor husband. When it comes to food or sleep don't mess with me. Lol. I think it was about the 7 week mark when I noticed i was spotting. I went into a walkin clinic and the doctor told me to go on bed rest for a week. A few days later I had made an appointment to see my GP and she had told me that if I was going to miscarry there was nothing I could do about it so bed rest wouldn't do squat! I tried to ignore her and continued on my bed rest. After a few days the bleeding stopped and I went to my second u/s. The baby was jumping and rolling around whenever the screen was pointed towards us. It was such a great feeling. Its the same feeling whenever you go into an u/s. You sit there in anticipation while the tech starts the viewing. You wait silently and in my case holding your breath until he/she says everything is good. Or in some situations I have had, after a couple of minutes I ask SO? Or sometimes I don't have to ask....they see me trying to contort myself to lying in the proper position while trying to strain my neck to see the screen.
The next few months went by with the same happening. I got up every morning and threw up. Then I took my thyroid pill as I been tested for hypothyroidism. During my previous pregnancy I swelled. And when I say swelled...I swelled. I had gained 35 pounds with my son until the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. During the last 6 weeks I gained 60 lbs in water. I still can't get over looking at the pictures. I looked like the State Puff Marshmallow man. I can gladly say I lost all the baby weight within 3-4 weeks after my son. I went from hypo- to hyper. My thyroid kicked in and went into overdrive after I had him.
February 6th I was 4 months along and again lying in bed when I felt the first kick. It was fantastic. I loved feeling the first kick. It was also around this time when we found out I was having a girl. The u/s tech said she didn't know how the lil misses would be outside but she was very good inside. She would jump around when we got to see her, but when needed she would sit quietly when examining her heart among other things. The tech had said in all her years this was the first baby to sit still for her when needed. But as soon as the work was over and she could bounce around....she did!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Well I know for me I love details. Details about every little thing. So, I guess I will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I had initially thought the wedding was the be all end all of our lives together. Boy was I wrong! After the wedding we had decided I would stop taking my lil round (safe sex) friend and dive into the world of baby making. Oh to be so young and naive. Ha ha. Well our thoughts were that once I stopped taking it that we'd have some fun and 9 months later a baby would appear. :) That didn't happen! For the first 4 months we had the fun. Then for the next 4 months we began the scheduling...and no (if anyone is wondering) I had no idea how to schedule it or what to use...like an ovulation chart...that was way too complicated for me. We finally were sent for testing which may I say is definitely NO FUN! I don't know how many females enjoy pap smears and speculum's, I sure as hell don't. But I definitely DID NOT enjoy the foot long steel rod that was inserted into my cervix, then uterus, and then finally into my ovaries. That day is for sure one of my best days ever! Please note the sarcasm. After that the baby making took a turn. I decided on my own, or of course my vagina decided not to be put through the torture anymore. No way No how. So I went on with my life and went through the next few months not thinking about babies or kids at all. Then in September (one year after we had gotten married and went off the pill) I was suffering from a sinus infection and cold....or so I thought. After a few weeks of feeling exhausted and congested I did a pregnancy test to make sure, and that beautiful blue line appeared. I was pregnant. Seeing as it was my first and I had never experienced pregnancy I went out and bought a book to teach me the joys and wonders of the greatest miracle and gift given to us women. I can say that now but at the time when my head was stuck in the toilet for the 10th time each day, I think I had asked my husband what I had done to deserve such torture. I really disliked being pregnant. Then one night I was lying in bed and felt a little foot kick my side. It was unbelievable. The feeling of shear happiness hit me. However then again the next morning after throwing up again for a bit I think it left. Well this continued throughout my pregnancy. Not the puking, just the back and forth of liking it... to... not so much. The worst part was when the ECP's (evil crotch pains) appeared. If any female has experienced these I feel for ya. The pains described as "mild discomfort" were hideous. Thankfully a good friend of mine had prewarned me on anything that was not so good with the joys of pregnancy.
Any who. Finally my due date came....and went. Then the next week I begged and pleaded with my OB to induce me as I was not only miserable but worried for my sons safety. So on June 11th I was induced at 9:00pm and after 24 hours of back labour was taken in for a c-section. My son was healthy and here. The next few months went by very fast and are mildly a blur as not much sleep was had...so I don't really remember too much. When my son was about 3 months I started to have different symptoms. After a week or so I realized I was in postpartum. After a few more weeks I noticed my hormones were going crazy. I was tired, moody, and nauseous all over again. I told my husband I thought I was pregnant...again. He said there was no way...it was just me being all hormonal. Well he was wrong and I was right...ha ha I love saying that. I was pregnant. Again. The same time as the year before. When we went in for an ultrasound we found out that indeed I was pregnant and the due date was approximately 2 weeks after my son was born.
It's funny. As I write this I am happy. Happy is something that I can't say I have really been for the past 38 days. I have had moments where I am good. I have had moments where I can laugh or smile. But I can't say I have been happy. Reliving that one day when I decided to pee on a stick and within seconds I got another blue line. That day when I set up the video camera and put my blue-lined pee stick on the counter and waited. When my husband came in I had asked him to look on the counter. Of course he looked at everything but the stick. I had the camera on and focused on him. Finally after looking around at everything but the stick I yelled out "Look at the stick man! The stick. The stick!" As he picked up the stick a long "Nooooo" came out of his mouth. I am smiling thinking about this. He was not unhappy. He was shocked. At that moment I exuberantly yelled out "See. I'm not crazy. I'm hormonal and PREGNANT!" It took him awhile to get over the shock. LOL. It was at that moment we new our lives would change. We new our lives would change when we had our first. Our son. He was and still is the light of our lives. But at the time, for some unknown reason we knew things would never be the same.
I think I will end this post with this. Like I said, this is the first time I have really smiled and had joy or happiness since June 2nd. I've missed it. So I think I will dwell in this for a bit.
Friday, July 9, 2010
The past month has almost been like a dream, or should I say nightmare. I have to keep reminding myself I am no longer pregnant, I have had 2 children, and that my little girl has left me and will not and cannot come back. I miss her every minute of every day.