Thursday, September 2, 2010

3 months...

First off I just want to say that it has been a busy month. I decided to plan a spur of the moment trip to Newfoundland to visit some family. I figured it would help us get away and clear our heads. It definitely accomplished that. It was beautiful and sunny the whole time we were there. So because of this trip I have not had a lot of time to sit down and think. Which on one hand I have been grateful for. I have been thinking too much. I have been thinking about Taelyn for the past 3 months ....24 hours a day.....of every day since she left us. Let me just say as much as I LOVE my daughter, I needed the break. I needed to regroup and start fresh I guess. My whole world has been in an upheaval. I needed to slow down, smell the ocean, and chill. Which I did. I have been back for a week and although reality has set back in, I feel refreshed.

While I was away I thought about a lot of things. I found myself getting emotional a few times over the "what ifs" again. I just kept thinking what it would have been like having Taelyn with us. What would it be like to be taking care of my 14 month old son and my 2 month old daughter. I realized that as much as I have said it and explained it to really truly hit much I miss her. I miss her soo much it hurts. I miss not having her here, and I miss that she did not get to meet her brother. I miss that Keirnan did not get to be a big brother. My babies were less then 12 months apart. I had my very own set of Irish twins, and one was taken away. I would have loved to watch the two of them grow over the past 3 months. Keirnan started walking and talking and being as much of a little devil as I had expected. I would have loved to watch Taelyn smile and laugh at her big brother. Keirnan probably would have smacked her and threw things at her, but I think they would have been so close.

Today, I was counting down until tomorrow. I thought tomorrow was Taelyn's 3 months angel day. I was wrong. I just realized that today is September 2nd. 3 months ago I was sitting in the recovery room holding her now. 3 months ago my whole world changed. I won't say it has changed for the worse....I will say for the better. Let me explain. My daughter came into my life and then was taken from me just before I was expecting her to join us. You would think that this would be a negative thing. It was and yet it wasn't. I am so happy and thankful that she chose to be with us even for that short period of time. I am so thankful for her and everything she has taught me over the past year. I have learned to truly appreciate life, my son, my husband, and everything and everyone around me. I used to be one to sweat the small stuff, now I'm not. I try and look at the bigger picture now.
One of the things I promised Taelyn after she died was that I would try and appreciate everything.....I just hope I don't disappoint her.

Off topic I just thought I would tell ya how the night has been going. My husband, my son, and myself went out for a bit to run some errands. We got back, put the wee one to bed, and I sat down to watch my favorite show....Big Brother....Yes I love it. I know. But really, what's not fun about watching a bunch of people locked up in a house going stir crazy. Its great! Any who, as I was saying. I was sitting on my couch and had just started playing my show (my husband had come in and sat down with his laptop....trying to ignore my show) when we heard it. I had heard it last night when I was sitting watching the end of another fav show of mine. Keirnan's toy. Let me explain. A few months back when Keirnan was starting to crawl, I had had a horrible week. He was getting into the light sockets....and under my couch. We decided to turn our dining room into a playroom with gates and everything. Thank goodness, it saved my sanity. So in this playroom (which is connected to our living room) is most of my son's toys. He has a little ball pit, some toddler cars, and a toy box. Among some of the toys are his baby toys. One of these toys is a table type of thing (but we took the legs off of it) that plays music and sings. Anyways, I was sitting on the couch last night when this table toy started playing music and singing. Out of the blue. Nothing near it. It was not the first time this has happened to me. The night of Taelyn's funeral, my family were all sitting in my living room and one of his little bike/walker toys started playing music as well with no one around it. Since that night it happens every so often. Well tonight was no different expect the toy. This particular toy has not made one peep unless tampered with. It has only played music if touched.

Well, when it started my husband started laughing. Then after the first ABC song it went quiet. About 15 seconds later it stared playing it again. After about a half and hour of the ABC song I decided to turn the page on it to just music....I did this thinking that if it is a should stop. It didn't. The table played for an hour. It stopped shortly after. I said to my husband I think Taelyn liked the ABC song better, so he went and changed it back. It has since played once more and has now gone quiet. Odd huh.

Happy 3 month Angelday Taelyn. We love you and miss you every second of every day!