After we had arrived home it was almost surreal. The house was the exact same as when we had left it, yet it felt emptier. Over the next few days we informed the rest of the people who did not know. We tried to sort out the funeral, while waiting to find out when the autopsy was to be done. That took a few days to do, but once it was done we set the date and waited. I found as the days grew closer to the funeral I became very anxious. I couldn't wait until the funeral. I was sort of excited. I know it sounds weird but I was so excited to see Taleyn again. I wanted to see her and hold her and have another moment of just cuddling her, and looking her over again. The day before we ran around trying to get a cute little pink blanket and a big teddy bear. I had planned on getting them for her just prior to her birth but hadn't. We looked everywhere for a big teddy bear, but couldn't find one. It wasn't until 10pm the night before that my husband had been out still looking and called me. He had found one. The funny part is he was walking around walmart holding this big teddy bear, I laughed when he had told me everyone was watching him.
The next day we had a full house. Both of our parents were here, our friends had drove down and had stayed overnight, and more family had come over to help. We all drove over and sat in the lobby waiting. Everyone was sort of relaxed but I remember I was anxious. Very very anxious. I couldn't wait to get inside the little room to see her once again. Finally the director came and took us in....and there she was. In her little white bed covered with silk and satin was my little angel. I know most people who saw it or could even imagine it would think how sad, but to me it was perfect and beautiful. She lay there wrapped in her silky pink blanket that we had bought her. I had spent the few days prior sewing together a little slip to go under my baptism gown. We had decided to use it as something special to give her. We wanted to put a few things in her coffin with her so the dress was from me and my husband had got his blankie from when he was a baby to give to her. His parents had kept it so when we found out about that we added to her casket.
She was beautiful. She had rosy red lips and that pout. Her little hands had a teeny tiny cross (which we also had found out on our search) wrapped around her hands and long skinny fingers. I have the same fingers...i was told they are great piano fingers. Her little lace bonnet which I was worried would be too small was actually too big and covered her little head. She was soo precious. It is odd....like I had said....most would find it sad and upsetting. Whereas I just found it beautiful and peaceful...she looked like a perfect little angel..who was sleeping. I know now I was very lucky. I would have loved her anyway, but as I have been since told she was beautiful looking. Because of the short period of time between her passing and finding out she was the exact same as she was in the womb, no changes had occurred which I am extremely grateful for.
I had made a cd of various songs to play. I had chosen them almost as a tribute to her. I had the song Baby Mine from dumbo, Tears in Heaven, Calling all Angels, Hallelujah, One Sweet Day, and Precious Child. This song was our song. We had found it after we had been looking around on the Internet for songs that would fit. And it was perfect. The last song on the cd was my favorite song that I had sang to Keirnan, Tura Lura Lura.
The funeral was sad and beautiful. The priest said some amazing words which others have told me have stuck with them. Now as I think back I cannot remember anything that was said really. I just remember that I stared at her the whole time. We had decided to have a brief viewing at the beginning before the service for anyone who had wanted to see her. At the beginning of the service we had closed the casket. The whole time I just stared. Well, I can't say that entirely. We had decided to bring Keirnan to the funeral. He was almost a year, but we thought this was his sister and he had a right to be there. So half way through the service he had gotten ancy and decided to start throwing his shoes at the priest. And when not doing that he just stared at the flowers and bears and things and talked baby talk to them. It was a mood lightener for sure.
After the service was done we had invited both of our parents and a few close friends to add something to her casket. A few little angels, a little stuffed animal, some flowers, and our little gifts were all added. After everyone left we got our chance to hold her once again. I had bugged the director that if it was possible to let us hold her one last time, and we did. I had forgotten how light she was. We stared at her pout, hair, fingers, and nose. We took more pictures. We made little jokes about how she would have gotten away with anything with that pout. It was fantastic. It gave us what we didn't get when in the hospital....joy. The joy that I couldn't feel from shock. We had made and had a beautiful and healthy looking and perfect baby girl. We basked in her beauty one last time and gave her back to be put back to bed. We said goodnight one last time and closed the lid.