Sunday, April 3, 2011

10 Months

It's so very strange .....It feels like so long ago- yet like it happened just yesterday. I had figured all would be done and over with, and life would eventually resume like it once had. But it doesn't. I have said many times that we now have to live this "new normal". A new normal that involves a daily awareness that something is missing. Something is lost. We are supposed to be a family of four- not three. I have said before I am not quite normal in my thought process, lol. I have felt from day 1 this was supposed to happen. I have been calm throughout the last 10 months. I am ok with everything that has happened. I know Taelyn is around us and watches over us. And I know we will one day see each other again. I also now know that what my thoughts are are much different from my physical feelings. My grief feelings. I have been taught/trained on all of this...yet going through it is soo different. I can honestly say everything I have been taught or trained on is full of shit. A text book cannot tell someone that a void is created from the second you learn. You would think with my thoughts and feelings I would be fine with it all. But the void/hole is huge...almost crater like...maybe Grand Canyon like to be more precise. I don't mind it much I guess. I am now used to it. But every once and awhile...I hate it. I hate this feeling. I want to feel whole again. But I know that will never happen.

I think one of the things that is on my "this bugs the hell out of me" list would be the expectation to return to normal. I try to explain to others that the normal which once existed does not now and will not again. I am different. I look at everything different. I can laugh and enjoy things...but it never lasts. There is always something that will bring me back to this gaping hole. I will always have days when I don't feel like being happy....and the odd part is it's not like I'm dwelling on Taelyn 24/7. Its just this new odd messed up part of my "new" personality.

One fear that Joe and I have both had....and after talking and reading of others who have is the fear that our little ones will be forgotten. I don't have to remind myself I have 1 son and 1 daughter right now. But other's. I feel like I need to remind them...we have a daughter! Fine. She may not have a pulse....but she still existed. How could she not...she's on our mantle!

From hearing from other's I know that some people may not want to think about the loss. But it's not the loss we want to think about....its her. Our little angel. Our precious baby girl. Everyone few weeks I look at her pictures and think god did she look exactly like her brother. She had my mouth. She had my hair. She had my piano fingers and long legs. Cute as a button.

I guess this would be described as an off day.....too bad. Its beautiful outside.