Sunday, April 3, 2011

10 Months

It's so very strange .....It feels like so long ago- yet like it happened just yesterday. I had figured all would be done and over with, and life would eventually resume like it once had. But it doesn't. I have said many times that we now have to live this "new normal". A new normal that involves a daily awareness that something is missing. Something is lost. We are supposed to be a family of four- not three. I have said before I am not quite normal in my thought process, lol. I have felt from day 1 this was supposed to happen. I have been calm throughout the last 10 months. I am ok with everything that has happened. I know Taelyn is around us and watches over us. And I know we will one day see each other again. I also now know that what my thoughts are are much different from my physical feelings. My grief feelings. I have been taught/trained on all of this...yet going through it is soo different. I can honestly say everything I have been taught or trained on is full of shit. A text book cannot tell someone that a void is created from the second you learn. You would think with my thoughts and feelings I would be fine with it all. But the void/hole is huge...almost crater like...maybe Grand Canyon like to be more precise. I don't mind it much I guess. I am now used to it. But every once and awhile...I hate it. I hate this feeling. I want to feel whole again. But I know that will never happen.

I think one of the things that is on my "this bugs the hell out of me" list would be the expectation to return to normal. I try to explain to others that the normal which once existed does not now and will not again. I am different. I look at everything different. I can laugh and enjoy things...but it never lasts. There is always something that will bring me back to this gaping hole. I will always have days when I don't feel like being happy....and the odd part is it's not like I'm dwelling on Taelyn 24/7. Its just this new odd messed up part of my "new" personality.

One fear that Joe and I have both had....and after talking and reading of others who have is the fear that our little ones will be forgotten. I don't have to remind myself I have 1 son and 1 daughter right now. But other's. I feel like I need to remind them...we have a daughter! Fine. She may not have a pulse....but she still existed. How could she not...she's on our mantle!

From hearing from other's I know that some people may not want to think about the loss. But it's not the loss we want to think about....its her. Our little angel. Our precious baby girl. Everyone few weeks I look at her pictures and think god did she look exactly like her brother. She had my mouth. She had my hair. She had my piano fingers and long legs. Cute as a button.

I guess this would be described as an off day.....too bad. Its beautiful outside.

Friday, February 4, 2011

We Have An Answer.....FINALLY!

We Finally Have an Answer!!!!

To all who have been following my story and the death of my daughter Taelyn at 37 weeks....we have an answer!

Every few weeks for the past 8 months I have been calling the OB who I had when Taelyn died. And every few weeks for the past 6 months I was told there was no answer as of yet. In the beginning of December I was told they were done all testing and still could not get a definitive answer as to what happened to her. I was told within a few weeks there should be something due to last minute testing.

Well this morning I called...and I was told they have figured it out! WooHooooooo

It might seem odd for me to be soo excited about knowing why my daughter died. But my whole thought process surrounding what happened what based on the old saying "everything happens for a reason". I was just hoping that there would be a reason that I would know soon. I realize this happened for me and hopefully others to learn from....but I didn't think it would be like this.

Anywho here goes the explanation. This is a short form of what I was told over the phone....when I get the actual paperwork of the results I will add that.

I was told that Taelyn dies due to a blood clot that lodged in the umbilical cord. It is very rare. There is nothing that causes it or anything that can be done to prevent it. I was told that basically the force of the pressure built up from the clot obstruction caused Taelyn's blood to back flow into mine, and also caused a minor placenta abruption.

In a lighter way of thinking about it....decreased blood flow = decreased Taelyn basically was deprived of oxygen and went to sleep.

The WoW factor from the phone call came from that fact that this situation is very rare, and that it is a unique case. For the past few weeks as I was told it is already being used as a teaching case....and will continue to be.

That is the part that got me.....I was waiting for my answer. Not the answer of what happened....but the bigger picture answer. Why? Again for those that know me....It was never on my mind about "why me?"
The why comes from why did this happen to us....what is the bigger answer.....and we finally have it.

With what happened to Taelyn as I was could have been prevented. Within a week of her passing I received a call to go get some blood work. The blood work was to detect if any of her blood was in mine. I later was told yes there was. Now this is where is gets interesting. This one blood test is not done on pregnant females. It is only done when the baby has passed/died. So as I was told on the phone...hind sights 20/20 and all the the signs prior to her passing were showing that this would happen. It was preventable possibly. Again, I in no way am thinking OMG why didn't they do this earlier...I am thinking...EUREKA!

This happening has shown them that with certain signs....and a certain blood test...they can tell if a baby is going to die, and possibly prevent it. That is what I am so happy about. Taelyn did not die in vain. There is a bigger reason for her short life with us and hopefully another mother will not lose their baby because of this.

I just can't get over that Taelyn's case has already been used as a teaching case and will continue from here on. Amazing.

So I will add the rest of the actualities when I get the full report.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Took Some Time Off

8 Months

I have tried to write a few posts over the past few months and haven't been able to. Its not that I didn't want to write. Or that I didn't have the time. I had nothing to say. I still don't really. What can I say. Well I have something to say today.

It's been 8 months on February 2nd...... 8 months. How time flies. I used to say this just after Keirnan was born. How time flies when you're sleep deprived. Oh I long for those sleepless nights now. The waking up wondering where you are or what time it is. The walking about aimlessly, eyes closed and yet accomplishing certain necessities of feeding, changing, burping, rocking. I remember when we were going through all of this with Keirnan. I was just hoping that I would one day be able to sleep more then a couple of hours a night. And yet now I miss that.

The past few months have been different. In mid November I finally went to see a counsellor. She was an RN with experience in trauma psychotherapy. She was awesome. The best part of the whole experience was that all the anger I did have (which I will explain in a bit) was not me, and would be gone soon enough. I was informed that it normally takes about 6 months after someone goes through a trauma for the brain to turn off the auto pilot and start working on its own again. Let me explain. When someone goes through a major trauma the whole brain almost shuts down. A certain area takes over. This area normally has a say in memory and emotions for example. So once the trauma occurs this one area takes over to protect. The person first goes through shock, then a numbness (again for protection), and then reality. However, for me from the second I found out about Taelyn dying I had accepted it. I think and feel the same as I did 8 months ago. This is where my anger kicks in. When I finally let myself go through the grieving period which was from late September until was only to allow myself to acknolwdge what had happened. I had to allow myself to cry whenever I felt like it. To tear up if needed. And to accept that there would be days when I was moody, non caring, bitchy, and angry. I was not allowing myself to be this way prior. I had my beliefs and acceptance for what had happened. But my body or brain had to go through its own motions before I would be back to "normal" again.

I can now understand this and let it be when it happens. I had been told that the "bad" days were everyday back in November. But as time went on they would come and go, and eventually I would have an off day here and there. When I say an off day...these days are not good. I am normally depressed....and just sad. But it is not always about Taelyn. I am just sad or mad or moody. This is the zinger. This is what got me angry from day 1....but I had not idea. I knew I had accepted everything and would have to go through the loneliness and saddness about her dying. But when I'm sitting watching Oprah and Garth Brooks is on singing a song....and I start wailing for NO REASON AT ALL!!! That is what got me mad. I was more angry at the sudden emotional twists and turns that grieving throws at ya then at the fact that I ...1 in 250 pregnancies ....lost my daughter. And that is the stat. 1 in 250 pregnancies will result in a stillbirth.

Anywho as I was saying. I am not mad at Taelyn dying. I am mad that my body put me through more then I had to go through (in my personal opinion ;).

That's what bugs me. I didn't mind if I was in a store and saw sweet little baby girls around her age. I didn't mind....actually I did mind seeing cute as a button lil red heads. I knew if I walked into a store and went into the baby section and tear'd up that was understandable. It was the other stuff that got me irritated. But anyway, after the counsellor told me this and that it normally lasts about 6 months I knew I would be getting back to my new normal within a few weeks.

So on December 2nd it was Taelyn's anniversary. It was sad, but more shocking that 6 months had passed already. A few days later I was sitting watching a show.....and I laughed. I finally laughed. It had taken me almost 6 months to be able to have a full on laugh....where tears were rolling down my face ....I couldn't catch my breathe laugh. Then of course I started to cry cuz I realized I was laughing for the first real time in half a year. But it was a start.

Now I am fully back to my new normal. I can laugh again. I can be irritated and actually have a reason for it. But most of all I can think of Taelyn and not be having a "bad" day....and be ok. I'm not saying I don't have my bad days....I still do....and will continue to do so (from what I'm told) for the rest of our lives. I'm ok with that. The crappy part is everyone else. I know...probably cuz I'm not dumb...a duh...that the worst part out of all of that I am a walking neon sign for anyone that knows. For anyone that knows the first thing they think of is I'm the one whose daughter died. Don't get me wrong. Most mothers in my situation want their baby to be remembered. So I guess even if its in that way....she is still being thought of. That is our biggest that when we have our next child....everyone will be worried it will happen again...and once that baby is born healthy and happy....Taelyn will be a thought of the past. That bothers me more then the big freakin neon sign I feel hanging over my head.

Its funny how every time I decide to write it takes a life of its own. I actually had a plan or idea for this one. I was thinking earlier about the 8 month mark. Today is Tuesday February 1st. 8 Months ago today....Taelyn was till alive. She was still in my belly. I was only 3 weeks away from her due date. I had an ultrasound where I was going to get to see her and check in on her tomorrow......8 months.....

Wow, how time flies.