Thursday, August 5, 2010

Moving on.....I guess

I have realized a few things during this period of time. One of the things is that although I might feel as if I am fine.....I am not. What I mean by this is that I am not the type to sit on my couch crying all day long, nor the type to neglect my son through this whole ordeal. I did not let it affect me physically in a way that would affect my 1 year old. However, it has affected me in a variety of other ways.

As I previously said, I think about Taelyn every second of every day. I cannot even if I tried not think about her. I think about my son a lot, but its as much as Taelyn. Keirnan is in my thoughts regularly. Yet when I'm sleeping....its all about me.....and Taelyn. She doesn't leave my head.

So I'm guessing this is one of the stages of grief. The missing or yearning for that special someone who is no longer with you. I am fine with this. The problem is that I think it is affecting other my memory. I cannot remember squat! I remember being told prior to my son being born about pregnancy brain, which turns into mommy brain. Its true, I couldn't remember a whole lot. Then with my pregnancy with Taelyn my memory got even worse...this mix of mommy brain and pregnancy brain. But now, I'm done. I remember that I need to feed my son, and when to bathe him. But that's about it.

The other thing I'm finding about this grief thing is that I can go through a whole variety of emotions in a short period of time. I am a red head which does not help this matter. So I am already prone to jumping from one feeling to another. Add this with the previous....and I think my family is

I am trying to remind myself that I needed to learn something from what has happened. I need to remember to fully appreciate life and what it has to offer. I forget this every now and again. I will say this....I'm not like this every day. Most days I'm good....still can't remember anything but my moods are good. Yet every once and awhile....BAM! I get into this funk of not liking anything. I guess this is something that I will either learn to live with or it will slowly subside.....who knows.

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