The Middle

I was thinking last night that yesterday would have been 2 weeks since Taelyn's due date. 2 Weeks. I wonder would she have made an early appearance, or would she have been late like her brother? Would I have had another c-section or would I have had the privilege of having a vbac? I have wondered all of these things over the past 6 weeks. I know as much as other people who have gone through this hate it....I know this happened for a reason. What that reason is is still unclear to me, but hopefully one day I will know. I would appreciate it if that was sooner then later tho ;p. I have read many blogs, stories, and whatever I can find trying to see what others like me are or were thinking, feeling, and going through. The few things I have found is that I am no part of a group. A group in which I did not join. A group where its full and when I say full....its FULL of mothers who have lost. On one hand I like being part of groups. Yet on the other hand I don't like joining one without actually joining myself. This is a universal group where all involved understand each other and know exactly all about the other member's, without knowing their life story. As much as I love having others who share the same story as I do.....I HATE being part of this f*%kin group. Its not that I don't like the people in it. I just never would have picked this group for me....or anyone else for that matter. I am now a member of the Baby Lost Mommy Group. The name may differ in other regions, but overall it is the same group for all mothers who have lost a baby. There is also another group which I hopefully will join in time. That group is for mothers of or who want a rainbow baby. Rainbow babies are babies who are born after a loss. These babies symbolize the rainbow/calm after the storm. It is truly a beautiful name and thought.....but I would just prefer to be pregnant....and then a mother....and not have all this extra stuff added.



Well that was my little rant or expression of my feelings. I think that was enough for today on that subject so why not just continue with my story where I left off. Hmmm...where was I know. Oh yes...I was right! Haha....



We found out that I was pregnant again...I think the conception date was like 3 weeks after my son had been conceived a year earlier...so that meant 2 babies approximately or exactly 1 year apart. I remember thinking how excited I was, yet also thinking how exhausted I also was and how the hell I was going to handle a one year old and a newborn. Which meant no sleep at night or during the day.



The pregnancy started off like my previous one. But with this one I just knew I was pregnant. I started with the morning sickness and the exhaustion again. Then got the migraines and food aversions. I have always had cravings so that was no big deal, just my temper tantrums regarding food increased just a tad. My poor husband. When it comes to food or sleep don't mess with me. Lol. I think it was about the 7 week mark when I noticed i was spotting. I went into a walkin clinic and the doctor told me to go on bed rest for a week. A few days later I had made an appointment to see my GP and she had told me that if I was going to miscarry there was nothing I could do about it so bed rest wouldn't do squat! I tried to ignore her and continued on my bed rest. After a few days the bleeding stopped and I went to my second u/s. The baby was jumping and rolling around whenever the screen was pointed towards us. It was such a great feeling. Its the same feeling whenever you go into an u/s. You sit there in anticipation while the tech starts the viewing. You wait silently and in my case holding your breath until he/she says everything is good. Or in some situations I have had, after a couple of minutes I ask SO? Or sometimes I don't have to ask....they see me trying to contort myself to lying in the proper position while trying to strain my neck to see the screen.



The next few months went by with the same happening. I got up every morning and threw up. Then I took my thyroid pill as I been tested for hypothyroidism. During my previous pregnancy I swelled. And when I say swelled...I swelled. I had gained 35 pounds with my son until the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. During the last 6 weeks I gained 60 lbs in water. I still can't get over looking at the pictures. I looked like the State Puff Marshmallow man. I can gladly say I lost all the baby weight within 3-4 weeks after my son. I went from hypo- to hyper. My thyroid kicked in and went into overdrive after I had him.



February 6th I was 4 months along and again lying in bed when I felt the first kick. It was fantastic. I loved feeling the first kick. It was also around this time when we found out I was having a girl. The u/s tech said she didn't know how the lil misses would be outside but she was very good inside. She would jump around when we got to see her, but when needed she would sit quietly when examining her heart among other things. The tech had said in all her years this was the first baby to sit still for her when needed. But as soon as the work was over and she could bounce around....she did!