Thursday, August 5, 2010

Moving on.....I guess

I have realized a few things during this period of time. One of the things is that although I might feel as if I am fine.....I am not. What I mean by this is that I am not the type to sit on my couch crying all day long, nor the type to neglect my son through this whole ordeal. I did not let it affect me physically in a way that would affect my 1 year old. However, it has affected me in a variety of other ways.

As I previously said, I think about Taelyn every second of every day. I cannot even if I tried not think about her. I think about my son a lot, but its as much as Taelyn. Keirnan is in my thoughts regularly. Yet when I'm sleeping....its all about me.....and Taelyn. She doesn't leave my head.

So I'm guessing this is one of the stages of grief. The missing or yearning for that special someone who is no longer with you. I am fine with this. The problem is that I think it is affecting other my memory. I cannot remember squat! I remember being told prior to my son being born about pregnancy brain, which turns into mommy brain. Its true, I couldn't remember a whole lot. Then with my pregnancy with Taelyn my memory got even worse...this mix of mommy brain and pregnancy brain. But now, I'm done. I remember that I need to feed my son, and when to bathe him. But that's about it.

The other thing I'm finding about this grief thing is that I can go through a whole variety of emotions in a short period of time. I am a red head which does not help this matter. So I am already prone to jumping from one feeling to another. Add this with the previous....and I think my family is

I am trying to remind myself that I needed to learn something from what has happened. I need to remember to fully appreciate life and what it has to offer. I forget this every now and again. I will say this....I'm not like this every day. Most days I'm good....still can't remember anything but my moods are good. Yet every once and awhile....BAM! I get into this funk of not liking anything. I guess this is something that I will either learn to live with or it will slowly subside.....who knows.

Monday, August 2, 2010

...Now What?

Its funny. Prior to beginning this blog I hated writing. I hated writing stories in grade 3, essays in grades 6 through to high school....and then into university.....and college. I just hated writing. I could never find the right words so I always used the thesaurus. I even had a journal when I was younger that I only wrote in to try and remember (from my drunken state) what I did the night before. Oh and who I liked at that time ...seeing as there were so many back But today and the past few weeks I am actually enjoying writing down my thoughts and my experience over the past 2 months. That was another thing. Its been 2 months today. 2 months at this very time. 2 months ago right now I was rushing into the parking lot because I was usual. 2 Months ago at 10:30am I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called. I was rubbing my belly in hope that everything would come out fine like it had many a time before. 2 months ago today I had the whole day planned out which didn't happen very often for me. I'm a more fly by the seat of my pants moment to moment. Don't get me wrong when I can plan I will and do. But this day, wasn't in the plan.

2 months since that day. A day that will stay with me forever. Its funny ...well not really...but I'm still going to use that expression. As I have been reading over other blogs or anything really I can find about women or men in my "situation" (that's the new name I have coined it when speaking to others), I am finding that we all have the exact same thought process give or take. We all share the same feelings and worries and thoughts. Of course going through it is very similar, but really to be on exactly the same crazy is that. WE have not all had the same life, family, or whatnot but we have been hit with this punch that feels the same.

I mentioned this during my first blog that I love details..not only to receive but I feel I must give a whole look into something for others to fully understand. So I want to let anyone who has not gone through this fully understand what it is like. And no worries...I'm not trying to torture you or make you feel like you are helpless in this. But to give you a better and deeper understanding to what goes through my head or the heads of others on this crappy journey.

Have you ever felt like you lost something or forgot something...and for the life of you couldn't figure it out. Its a constant worry and fear that you cannot get out of your head? Or when you were younger, do you remember liking a guy or girl. Ok I'm not done liking them and waking up liking them. It never went away...well until you liked someone else...haha. But every single thought you had was about that one person. If not well I guess I was odd. I remember liking a whole array of guys growing up and each one was the be all end all to me. Then, the next month another one would be that same. But I remember not being able to do anything without thinking about them. Well that is what life is like now.

I wake up and think of Taelyn. I go to sleep and think about Taelyn. I dream about Taelyn. I am constantly feeling like I misplaced something and cannot find it. I also will say (not to be a downer) that when reading others stories I realized ....they were me. They thought like me and responded like me. It really freaked me out when I first came upon these stories. Overall I feel as if I am lost now. I vaguely remember being lost as a kid. Searching and searching for my mom. That feeling. Fear, anxiety, panic. That is what I feel every day. I feel as if I am lost and I cannot find my way out.

I also feel as if there is a gaping I am missing something. I thought 6 weeks ago this would get better. I thought it was grief. I have since realized it is not. It is Loss. A loss of a close family member is pretty bad. I know I have thought about if I lost my mom or husband I would be devastated.... This is different..... This is part of me.

I think it is worse because I (although some help was needed made her. I grew her and watered her and fed her. And I watched her grow...along with She was mine. And until delivery....ALL MINE. I do not undermine or underestimate what my husband or any other male in this situation is going through by no means. But it is different. My husband had said we get a head start, meaning the mommies. We get 9 months of bonding with our wee ones, so the father is at a disadvantage. Which sucks for them, they have to make this time up.

As the female or mother...I will automatically go through certain emotions...even after grief has left the building. I will blame....question....wonder...and regret (no, not her...but why didn't I listen to my gut). I truly believe by reading and researching everything I can find, most women if not all knew something was wrong. But as usual because we are told its "normal" for the movements to decrease its OK.

I have thought a lot about what has happened. I know I am fine with Taelyn leaving. I still have moments of questioning and wondering. I don't blame myself or God. I don't believe I ate too many Caesar salads or hot dogs. Or that I didn't sleep on my left side or my baths were too long or too hot. I don't believe that I could have changed the outcome or timing. I fully accept what was suppose to happen and what did happen. Just every once and awhile, I think back and wish it hadn't.

Happy 2 month birthday Taelyn Marie....we love and miss you baby girl XoXoXo