I have tried to write a few posts over the past few months and haven't been able to. Its not that I didn't want to write. Or that I didn't have the time. I had nothing to say. I still don't really. What can I say. Well I have something to say today.
It's been 8 months on February 2nd...... 8 months. How time flies. I used to say this just after Keirnan was born. How time flies when you're sleep deprived. Oh I long for those sleepless nights now. The waking up wondering where you are or what time it is. The walking about aimlessly, eyes closed and yet accomplishing certain necessities of life...ie. feeding, changing, burping, rocking. I remember when we were going through all of this with Keirnan. I was just hoping that I would one day be able to sleep more then a couple of hours a night. And yet now I miss that.
The past few months have been different. In mid November I finally went to see a counsellor. She was an RN with experience in trauma psychotherapy. She was awesome. The best part of the whole experience was that all the anger I did have (which I will explain in a bit) was not me, and would be gone soon enough. I was informed that it normally takes about 6 months after someone goes through a trauma for the brain to turn off the auto pilot and start working on its own again. Let me explain. When someone goes through a major trauma the whole brain almost shuts down. A certain area takes over. This area normally has a say in memory and emotions for example. So once the trauma occurs this one area takes over to protect. The person first goes through shock, then a numbness (again for protection), and then reality. However, for me from the second I found out about Taelyn dying I had accepted it. I think and feel the same as I did 8 months ago. This is where my anger kicks in. When I finally let myself go through the grieving period which was from late September until December....it was only to allow myself to acknolwdge what had happened. I had to allow myself to cry whenever I felt like it. To tear up if needed. And to accept that there would be days when I was moody, non caring, bitchy, and angry. I was not allowing myself to be this way prior. I had my beliefs and acceptance for what had happened. But my body or brain had to go through its own motions before I would be back to "normal" again.
I can now understand this and let it be when it happens. I had been told that the "bad" days were everyday back in November. But as time went on they would come and go, and eventually I would have an off day here and there. When I say an off day...these days are not good. I am normally depressed....and just sad. But it is not always about Taelyn. I am just sad or mad or moody. This is the zinger. This is what got me angry from day 1....but I had not idea. I knew I had accepted everything and would have to go through the loneliness and saddness about her dying. But when I'm sitting watching Oprah and Garth Brooks is on singing a song....and I start wailing for NO REASON AT ALL!!! That is what got me mad. I was more angry at the sudden emotional twists and turns that grieving throws at ya then at the fact that I ...1 in 250 pregnancies ....lost my daughter. And that is the stat. 1 in 250 pregnancies will result in a stillbirth.
Anywho as I was saying. I am not mad at Taelyn dying. I am mad that my body put me through more then I had to go through (in my personal opinion ;).
That's what bugs me. I didn't mind if I was in a store and saw sweet little baby girls around her age. I didn't mind....actually I did mind seeing cute as a button lil red heads. I knew if I walked into a store and went into the baby section and tear'd up that was understandable. It was the other stuff that got me irritated. But anyway, after the counsellor told me this and that it normally lasts about 6 months I knew I would be getting back to my new normal within a few weeks.
So on December 2nd it was Taelyn's anniversary. It was sad, but more shocking that 6 months had passed already. A few days later I was sitting watching a show.....and I laughed. I finally laughed. It had taken me almost 6 months to be able to have a full on laugh....where tears were rolling down my face ....I couldn't catch my breathe laugh. Then of course I started to cry cuz I realized I was laughing for the first real time in half a year. But it was a start.
Now I am fully back to my new normal. I can laugh again. I can be irritated and actually have a reason for it. But most of all I can think of Taelyn and not be having a "bad" day....and be ok. I'm not saying I don't have my bad days....I still do....and will continue to do so (from what I'm told) for the rest of our lives. I'm ok with that. The crappy part is everyone else. I know...probably cuz I'm not dumb...a duh...that the worst part out of all of it...is that I am a walking neon sign for anyone that knows. For anyone that knows the first thing they think of is I'm the one whose daughter died. Don't get me wrong. Most mothers in my situation want their baby to be remembered. So I guess even if its in that way....she is still being thought of. That is our biggest fear..is that when we have our next child....everyone will be worried it will happen again...and once that baby is born healthy and happy....Taelyn will be a thought of the past. That bothers me more then the big freakin neon sign I feel hanging over my head.
Its funny how every time I decide to write it takes a life of its own. I actually had a plan or idea for this one. I was thinking earlier about the 8 month mark. Today is Tuesday February 1st. 8 Months ago today....Taelyn was till alive. She was still in my belly. I was only 3 weeks away from her due date. I had an ultrasound where I was going to get to see her and check in on her tomorrow......8 months.....
Wow, how time flies.