Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Poem....Tiny Little Wings

I have decided to add the poems my mom wrote for Taelyn's funeral. It is beautiful.


A precious little girl, we never got to know
Was taken from her mother, only 3 weeks to go
There is no rhyme or reason, for this tragedy
We will never get to know, our little Taelyn Marie

This innocent little bundle, so fragile and so sweet
A beautiful baby girl, so tiny and petite
The face of an angel, not ready to take flight
Yet someone must have needed her, to steal her in the night

Taelyn's brother Keirnan, won't get to see her grow
Or watch her ride her bicycle, as she becomes a pro
Most of all she won't be there, to meet her mom and dad
Joe & Sherene, the best parents a child could ever have

The flutter of her little wings, as God took her away
Were never heard on Arron Court at all the day
She would have kissed them all goodbye, before she left for heaven
Taking time to turn around, to see them once again

A tale that we were told, I'm sure that it is true
States that angel's raise the babies, who are taken way too soon
Taelyn is in heaven now, with lots of family
To love and watch over her, leaving us to grieve

If we look in the sky at night, I'm sure that we will see
A bright new shining star above, Our Angel, Taelyn Marie

The Funeral....Thurs June 10th 2010

The Funeral

After we had arrived home it was almost surreal. The house was the exact same as when we had left it, yet it felt emptier. Over the next few days we informed the rest of the people who did not know. We tried to sort out the funeral, while waiting to find out when the autopsy was to be done. That took a few days to do, but once it was done we set the date and waited. I found as the days grew closer to the funeral I became very anxious. I couldn't wait until the funeral. I was sort of excited. I know it sounds weird but I was so excited to see Taleyn again. I wanted to see her and hold her and have another moment of just cuddling her, and looking her over again. The day before we ran around trying to get a cute little pink blanket and a big teddy bear. I had planned on getting them for her just prior to her birth but hadn't. We looked everywhere for a big teddy bear, but couldn't find one. It wasn't until 10pm the night before that my husband had been out still looking and called me. He had found one. The funny part is he was walking around walmart holding this big teddy bear, I laughed when he had told me everyone was watching him.

The next day we had a full house. Both of our parents were here, our friends had drove down and had stayed overnight, and more family had come over to help. We all drove over and sat in the lobby waiting. Everyone was sort of relaxed but I remember I was anxious. Very very anxious. I couldn't wait to get inside the little room to see her once again. Finally the director came and took us in....and there she was. In her little white bed covered with silk and satin was my little angel. I know most people who saw it or could even imagine it would think how sad, but to me it was perfect and beautiful. She lay there wrapped in her silky pink blanket that we had bought her. I had spent the few days prior sewing together a little slip to go under my baptism gown. We had decided to use it as something special to give her. We wanted to put a few things in her coffin with her so the dress was from me and my husband had got his blankie from when he was a baby to give to her. His parents had kept it so when we found out about that we added to her casket.

She was beautiful. She had rosy red lips and that pout. Her little hands had a teeny tiny cross (which we also had found out on our search) wrapped around her hands and long skinny fingers. I have the same fingers...i was told they are great piano fingers. Her little lace bonnet which I was worried would be too small was actually too big and covered her little head. She was soo precious. It is I had said....most would find it sad and upsetting. Whereas I just found it beautiful and peaceful...she looked like a perfect little angel..who was sleeping. I know now I was very lucky. I would have loved her anyway, but as I have been since told she was beautiful looking. Because of the short period of time between her passing and finding out she was the exact same as she was in the womb, no changes had occurred which I am extremely grateful for.

I had made a cd of various songs to play. I had chosen them almost as a tribute to her. I had the song Baby Mine from dumbo, Tears in Heaven, Calling all Angels, Hallelujah, One Sweet Day, and Precious Child. This song was our song. We had found it after we had been looking around on the Internet for songs that would fit. And it was perfect. The last song on the cd was my favorite song that I had sang to Keirnan, Tura Lura Lura.

The funeral was sad and beautiful. The priest said some amazing words which others have told me have stuck with them. Now as I think back I cannot remember anything that was said really. I just remember that I stared at her the whole time. We had decided to have a brief viewing at the beginning before the service for anyone who had wanted to see her. At the beginning of the service we had closed the casket. The whole time I just stared. Well, I can't say that entirely. We had decided to bring Keirnan to the funeral. He was almost a year, but we thought this was his sister and he had a right to be there. So half way through the service he had gotten ancy and decided to start throwing his shoes at the priest. And when not doing that he just stared at the flowers and bears and things and talked baby talk to them. It was a mood lightener for sure.

After the service was done we had invited both of our parents and a few close friends to add something to her casket. A few little angels, a little stuffed animal, some flowers, and our little gifts were all added. After everyone left we got our chance to hold her once again. I had bugged the director that if it was possible to let us hold her one last time, and we did. I had forgotten how light she was. We stared at her pout, hair, fingers, and nose. We took more pictures. We made little jokes about how she would have gotten away with anything with that pout. It was fantastic. It gave us what we didn't get when in the The joy that I couldn't feel from shock. We had made and had a beautiful and healthy looking and perfect baby girl. We basked in her beauty one last time and gave her back to be put back to bed. We said goodnight one last time and closed the lid.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Labor...well sort of

Sorry about the delay. I had a hard time writing this. I also had a hard time getting back to it after I wrote it last week. This was the part I didn't want to write. The end I guess. Its the part that is almost the finality of the event. Although I know I have more to say and to write, the delivery was the end. Not only was it the end to my pregnancy, but to the thought of my daughter being with me. I know not a lot of people understand this. Really, only ones who have gone through this fully understand what I am saying ...well I think they do.

Recently I have been reading other people's blogs and whatever I can find really relating to our situation. I find a lot of comfort in reading these blogs. I have found on many occasions while reading that I sit there thinking how do they know whats in my head. How do they seem to say exactly word for word what I am feeling and thinking. Its odd really, for a world full of strangers who have been raised differently and had totally different life experiences....we are all the same in our loss and our grief. I know I have said many a times recently that I do tend to look at death unlike most others. I do not normally dwell in it, or get depressed, or angry. I found myself going through all the stages....quite quickly, but also having a full understanding and almost a peacefulness come over me regarding Taelyn. I am not saying I do not think about her every minute of every day, because I do. Yet, I also had this ....I don't know what it is...but I know it was supposed to happen and I am fine with that. I have my odd days where I do get angry....not at god or whatever else...but just p.o'd at the fact that I wish I still had my daughter. I was looking forward to little pink much as I hate pink..which I really really HATE PINK!!

Anyways here is the final edition to that day.

After I was told about Taelyn, I was asked if I had someone waiting for me....which I didn't. I was informed that while I had been waiting for my u/s tech to come back, they had phoned my doctor and my substitute doctor...and then the hospital. All were fully informed and ready and waiting for me to arrive at the hospital. So at that point I finally realized what had taken her soo long to get back.

I got dressed and made my way to my car. I was trying to fight the tears (I hate crying in public places when I don't know anyone...unless its a sad movie and I'm at the movie theater) while paying for my parking. I don't remember most of my drive home until I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew I only had a short time before I was home and wanted to pull it together before I arrived. I did not want to walk in the door and have my husband be able to tell from my face and worry. I didn't want my son to see me all red blotchy faced and not understand. So as I pulled into the driveway I took a deep breath....and waited. This was the last moment I had left before everything would come crashing down.

As I walked into the house I could only hear silence. My son was up for his nap. Good timing. I called Joe, who answered from the living room. I walked into the living room. Everything I had initially thought about saying while I was driving home went out of my head. He asked me how things had gone. I couldn't think straight. The words all came out without any control "We have to go to the hospital." "What?". "We have to go to the hospital". "Why?". "She didn't make it. She has no heartbeat. We lost her".

It was at this moment that I realized what I had been dreading the most. I knew I would have to either go through labor or have a c-section and the final result would be the same. I knew that I would be leaving the hospital empty handed. I knew that all of the little pink clothing was bought and would not be used. And all of the newborn bottles and nipples I had gotten out was for nothing. But I just couldn't handle telling my husband we or I had lost our daughter.

At this point we sat together and I tried to answer all of his questions. I told him I had to go to the hospital and I still needed to phone my mom. I told him to call his parents and let them know as well. I proceeded to call my mom at work. As the phone rang I was again trying to think of the best way to tell her. She picked up and asked me how I was doing. I said that I had just gotten back from my u/s. She asked how that had gone, in which I said the same thing as I had told my husband. I asked if she could possibly get out of work as I needed to go to the hospital and I needed someone to watch my son until I knew what was going on. She said she would leave right away and be over shortly. After calling my friend and informing her of what had happened I found my husband who was in the garage smoking. He had been trying to call his parents and his dad had finally called him back. He informed him of what was happening.

We got off the phone and packed my bag. At this point I started to worry as I had left my u/s at 11:30ish. it was now 1:00 and I knew the labor and delivery was waiting for me. I didn't want to be late. After that popped into my head, I thought what the hell am I thinking. It's not like its a rush now. It boggled me how everything was the same yet soo different. My thought process was the same, yet mildly messed up. I made a few more phone calls and we sat and waited. My mom showed up and we went out the door. Driving there was like a scene from a movie. We sat there quiet. No words were exchanged until my dad called and told us to hurry up and get to the hospital. My dad's odd. We got to the hospital and slowly made our way into L&D. We signed in and were escorted through the corridors. As we walked through the halls we could hear a women groaning in pain. On one hand I laughed thinking sucker, yet on the other hand I was sad as I was losing my chance of accomplishing that dream. I had been lucky enough to go through 24 hrs of labour with my son to end it all with a c-section. I was hoping this time I could go through labour and actually push the lil misses out.

As we walked past the nursing station they were all gathered around talking, which stopped as soon as we passed by. I felt like I was back in high school and had just walked by a bunch of people gossiping. After settling into our room my nurse and doctor came in. We spoke about my options...c-section or labour. All I wanted was to get her out. I didn't want to have to think about not having her, or possibly tricking myself into thinking she was till ok and I was going to have her. I wanted it done.

We found out it would be safer for me to do the c-section. I did not like the idea of pushing something out and not getting to take it home. At this point my in-laws showed up and we sat and waited. I was told that we had to wait until all surgeries were done as I was last on the list...I guess I wasn't special enough to be moved

As we waited to discussed different things, basically anything to pass the time. I was visited by the social worker, nurses, and bereavement peeps. All just trying to gauge my grief and shock.

At about 5:30 I was taken in for my surgery. I sat there thinking it would all be over soon. I was thinking I would love for it to continue but only if I could have my daughter back. After I was prepped they allowed my hubby Joe to come in and sit with me. Prior to going in we had been asked if we wanted to see her after she was taken out...we said no. We wanted to wait until I was all sewn back up and back together. We wanted to be able to look at her and hold her together, not like when my son was born. When he was born I lay in the operating room trying not to bleed out from a ruptured artery while my son got passed around from family member to family member. You could say I was a tad upset. I had hardly got to see him let alone hold him. So this time we wanted to do it together.

When all was finished I was wheeled into the recovery room. My husband came in and we were handed our own little angel. She was beautiful. She was me. She had my lips and chubby cheeks and what a pout this kid had. Oh and the best or worst part....she was a redhead just like her mudder. We looked her over like you always do checking out her hands and feet, counting her toes and fingers. She was perfect and beautiful, and ours :)

We invited our parents in at different times, so everyone had a chance to bask in her beauty.... and their own grief and sadness. After everyone had held her and left, we just sat there holding her. I realize now I was numb. I had no emotions. I wasn't happy or sad or depressed or anything. I was numb. We took a few pictures. I tried to warm her abit cuz she was not as warm as I thought she should be. Shock and mother's instinct. The nurse offered to cut some of her hair and to take a few pictures. After what seemed like minutes but instead was 4 hours we were asked if we were ready to go to my room. I was being placed on a surgery floor instead of in the mothers and babies unit. We were then asked if we wanted to take her with us, now I wish we had. We were not told we could bathe her, or get her dressed, or even put a diaper on her. All I could think was what do I do with her if she comes upstairs with me? Shock and numbness....dammit.

I was wheeled upstairs and settled into my room. I was checked a couple of times and was left alone to try and sleep. Joe had opted to stay with me for the night and slept next to me on a cot. He fell asleep very fast. I finally drifted off to sleep and found myself waking up every 20 mins or so just thinking. I thought about the whole day. I thought about the night before. I thought about all of my fears coming true. I thought about what my day could have been like. I continued this all night. Eventually morning finally came. I told joe there was no way I could spend another night in the hospital. I couldn't sleep and could not deal with everything while being bugged every few minutes. My doctor had come in every hour from 7:30. Finally at 1:30 he came in and I told him I was all good and I had to leave. I promised I would take it easy but I had to go. So after hours of pleading every time he came in, he finally discharged me. I packed my bags and spoke to the nurse. I went over everything that I had been told by the social worker, and counsellors, and whoever else came to check me. I had been given a memory box to take home with me. I guess they do this so at least your taking something home with ya. We walked out of the hospital with the memories of my daughter in tow and went to my mom's to get my son.

When at my mom's house we went over everything that we had been told or saw or felt while in the hospital. The funeral arrangements. This was stuck into my head. We had to have a funeral. We had decided to have an autopsy done. We had to still call people to inform them. All of this stuff was whirling around in my head.

We also had discussed how in shock my OB was. Like I had said before. I had seen him the day before. He didn't understand what had happened. His face will stay with us for as long as we can remember. He was in shock himself. We could see him going over what he had heard and felt and how could he have missed this. We actually felt bad for him. He was the head of the L&D at the hospital and he was stumped on what had happened. He had come in after I was taken to recovery and told us that Taleyn looked like she was sleeping. He said physically there was nothing wrong with her. He could not figure out what had gone wrong as "she was perfect". He also had said in the 30 years he has been doing this he has never had this happen where there were no signs of a problem. We kept going over this. It was at this time I told my husband what I had been thinking from the moment I had found was suppose to happen. There was nothing we could have done about it. She was suppose to be here only for a short period of time.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The End...and Then...

Well I really better finish what happened for those

In February we went for a 3d u/s. During this ultrasound we got to see our lil one's face. Although most of the time she had her arms over her head (I was told many a times that when a child or baby does this that means they are very relaxed), she was adorable. She stuck her tongue out, sucked on her thumb, and even sucked her toes a bit. Its funny when a baby does it its cute, when an adult does it its gross...things to think about. Anyways, after that everything was going well. Around the 7 month mark I had noticed decreased movements so I told my OB and was booked for another u/s and a non stress test. A non stress test is basically you go into a room, lay down, they strap a monitor on ya and you sit there for a half hour counting movements. It was interesting even then. All that morning and the day before Taelyn hardly moved. Then I go into the non stress and she moved more in that 30 minutes then she had moved the whole month before. Her heartrate had gone down at one point during the month and after another u/s all was well.

The next few months flew by again with no major issues. I had an u\s at 30 weeks. When I was at the dr's office a week later I was told that Taelyn's head was oddly shaped. I didn't understand and had to get the doctor to explain it to me again the next day, so I could better explain it to my husband. Taelyn's head had measure correctly one way, but differently another. My first response was "OMG. She's got a cone head?" In which the doctor explained "No. This is normal. If the baby is in the same position for a long period of time, sometimes is can affect the growing." Basically, she was stuck in one side which in turn affected her noggin and it was normal. It would change by the time she made her grand appearance. Good news! I was worried I would have to change her name from Taelyn to Eggbert!

Finally I was at my 36th week. I had 4 weeks to go unless she decided to come early. I was praying she wouldn't as her brother's 1st birthday was approaching and my biggest worry at that time ( I know not that big of a worry in hindsight) was she would come early and we would have to delay my son's birthday, or he would have to share it. That weekend hubby was going up north with the boys. I called my mom and friend to come over and keep me company... as I am a wuss. This was not the main reason though. I wanted help getting my son's new room cleaned and ready so he could move in, and to get Taelyn's room ready for her. The plan was for my son to get the bigger room and move Taelyn into his nursery. I needed to go though all the clothes and baby things in preparation. I had been going through my nesting phase and needed to make sure all was right in our household. The weekend went by...not everything got accomplished, which now we wonder if that was an omen. Monday came and I had felt some movement but the lil misses was not a big mover during the day so I was never really too worried. Most days I knew all was good because she hiccuped all the time. She never moved if I drank pop, or ate chocolate, or did anything really. The only time I could get her to move myself was to lay down and roll onto my side. She hated when I slept or lied on my side. So where was I....Tuesday came I got ready and showered and went in for my doctor's appt. I lied down on the bed and he came in and asked me how I was doing and how were the movements. I told him OK...but that she wasn't moving too much...but I guess that's normal for this late. He measured my belly and felt her position, and listened to her heart rate. It was in the 130's. I told him I had an u/s the next day and that I would be seeing my regular OB (she was on vaca) from then on. He said good luck and bye.

That night I had the same feeling I had had the night before. I had told my husband that thankfully I have the u/s tomorrow as she is really not that active and its freakin me out. I remember doing that with my son and every time I went into the dr's or u/s all was good. So again I thought the same thing was happening. Now I know it wasn't and I should have listened to my gut. Literally.

The next morning my hubby had allowed me to sleep in. He came into get me at 9:30 as my u/s was at 10:30. I got up and got dressed and went downstairs. I felt weird. My belly felt heavy. Not the heaviness I felt when I would roll over during the night and the baby would roll with me. I found with my son and daughter that during the night if I had to roll over and if they were in a deep sleep I would get a thump in my belly. They would roll with me and thump onto the other side. That of course would wake them Then, I would have to deal with them getting all comfortable again before settling back to sleep. The other thing that I noticed with Taelyn was that she did not like me lying on my sides which is what your supposed to do. She only liked when I slept on my back...she would wiggle her little bum into my left side and fall asleep under my boob. It was quite funny to could actually see her moving her bum and nuzzeling it in.

After getting ready and running around I rushed out of the house. My husband was staying at home to watch our son as this was another random u/s. I got to the office and waited for a little bit and was called in. As I sat in the change room waiting to be called I remember asking god that everything be alright. I tried rubbing my belly to get a reaction, but there was nothing. Again I hoped it was just another deep sleep or her pure stubbornness that was stressing me out. I was finally called and walked into the room. I sat down on the bed and began answering the tech's questions. Why am I there...for an u/s. Why? Because my OB wanted one to check on the weight. Why? BECAUSE she wanted one to check the weight. No this is not my first pregnancy. YES I did have one during the same time period with my son. WHY? TO CHECK THE WEIGHT! OK finally! Let's get this show on the road. I lied down on the bed again. I felt the warm gooey stuff, and waited. I felt the tech moving the scanner around. I sat there. I knew. I looked at her face. There was nothing....but I knew. She moved it around some more. After what seemed like forever probably only 5-10 minutes she said "please excuse me, I need to go check something". I knew. I sat up and looked at the monitor. I saw my name...the date...and a dark spot on the screen. I didn't know what it was. I could not tell if I was looking at my baby or something else. It was at this moment I thought she had changed the screen so I couldn't see what she had. Then I hoped "maybe there was something else wrong. OH....hopefully its me she found something wrong with. Please God....don't let anything be wrong with the baby. Let it be me!"

Seeing as I could not recognize what I was looking at....I looked around the room. I teared up....and then stopped myself. I thought "NO WAY. I am not thinking the worst. There is nothing wrong. She had to pee!" Trying to reassure myself didn't work.

After what seemed again like a lifetime....she walked back in....with a man in tow. "Oh Shit". He looked at me. She looked at me. I looked at her, then to him. "She's gone isn't she? There's no heartbeat?" He replied, "I'm so sorry. No there isn't." I said "I thought so. I just knew". I asked the tech if there was anything she had noticed was off. She told me she thought she was underweight. She thought she was the size of a 34 week old. She said she had stopped growing a few week back. I had asked how that was possible as I had had an u/s at 30 weeks and everything was fine besides her misshapen head. She said I don't know...I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Middle

I was thinking last night that yesterday would have been 2 weeks since Taelyn's due date. 2 Weeks. I wonder would she have made an early appearance, or would she have been late like her brother? Would I have had another c-section or would I have had the privilege of having a vbac? I have wondered all of these things over the past 6 weeks. I know as much as other people who have gone through this hate it....I know this happened for a reason. What that reason is is still unclear to me, but hopefully one day I will know. I would appreciate it if that was sooner then later tho ;p. I have read many blogs, stories, and whatever I can find trying to see what others like me are or were thinking, feeling, and going through. The few things I have found is that I am no part of a group. A group in which I did not join. A group where its full and when I say full....its FULL of mothers who have lost. On one hand I like being part of groups. Yet on the other hand I don't like joining one without actually joining myself. This is a universal group where all involved understand each other and know exactly all about the other member's, without knowing their life story. As much as I love having others who share the same story as I do.....I HATE being part of this f*%kin group. Its not that I don't like the people in it. I just never would have picked this group for me....or anyone else for that matter. I am now a member of the Baby Lost Mommy Group. The name may differ in other regions, but overall it is the same group for all mothers who have lost a baby. There is also another group which I hopefully will join in time. That group is for mothers of or who want a rainbow baby. Rainbow babies are babies who are born after a loss. These babies symbolize the rainbow/calm after the storm. It is truly a beautiful name and thought.....but I would just prefer to be pregnant....and then a mother....and not have all this extra stuff added.

Well that was my little rant or expression of my feelings. I think that was enough for today on that subject so why not just continue with my story where I left off. Hmmm...where was I know. Oh yes...I was right! Haha....

We found out that I was pregnant again...I think the conception date was like 3 weeks after my son had been conceived a year that meant 2 babies approximately or exactly 1 year apart. I remember thinking how excited I was, yet also thinking how exhausted I also was and how the hell I was going to handle a one year old and a newborn. Which meant no sleep at night or during the day.

The pregnancy started off like my previous one. But with this one I just knew I was pregnant. I started with the morning sickness and the exhaustion again. Then got the migraines and food aversions. I have always had cravings so that was no big deal, just my temper tantrums regarding food increased just a tad. My poor husband. When it comes to food or sleep don't mess with me. Lol. I think it was about the 7 week mark when I noticed i was spotting. I went into a walkin clinic and the doctor told me to go on bed rest for a week. A few days later I had made an appointment to see my GP and she had told me that if I was going to miscarry there was nothing I could do about it so bed rest wouldn't do squat! I tried to ignore her and continued on my bed rest. After a few days the bleeding stopped and I went to my second u/s. The baby was jumping and rolling around whenever the screen was pointed towards us. It was such a great feeling. Its the same feeling whenever you go into an u/s. You sit there in anticipation while the tech starts the viewing. You wait silently and in my case holding your breath until he/she says everything is good. Or in some situations I have had, after a couple of minutes I ask SO? Or sometimes I don't have to ask....they see me trying to contort myself to lying in the proper position while trying to strain my neck to see the screen.

The next few months went by with the same happening. I got up every morning and threw up. Then I took my thyroid pill as I been tested for hypothyroidism. During my previous pregnancy I swelled. And when I say swelled...I swelled. I had gained 35 pounds with my son until the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. During the last 6 weeks I gained 60 lbs in water. I still can't get over looking at the pictures. I looked like the State Puff Marshmallow man. I can gladly say I lost all the baby weight within 3-4 weeks after my son. I went from hypo- to hyper. My thyroid kicked in and went into overdrive after I had him.

February 6th I was 4 months along and again lying in bed when I felt the first kick. It was fantastic. I loved feeling the first kick. It was also around this time when we found out I was having a girl. The u/s tech said she didn't know how the lil misses would be outside but she was very good inside. She would jump around when we got to see her, but when needed she would sit quietly when examining her heart among other things. The tech had said in all her years this was the first baby to sit still for her when needed. But as soon as the work was over and she could bounce around....she did!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Part 2 The Beginning

I just read over what I wrote last night and am trying to figure out how to begin. How do you explain the best and I can't say the worst....but definitely a day or month that will not be forgotten.

Well I know for me I love details. Details about every little thing. So, I guess I will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. I had initially thought the wedding was the be all end all of our lives together. Boy was I wrong! After the wedding we had decided I would stop taking my lil round (safe sex) friend and dive into the world of baby making. Oh to be so young and naive. Ha ha. Well our thoughts were that once I stopped taking it that we'd have some fun and 9 months later a baby would appear. :) That didn't happen! For the first 4 months we had the fun. Then for the next 4 months we began the scheduling...and no (if anyone is wondering) I had no idea how to schedule it or what to an ovulation chart...that was way too complicated for me. We finally were sent for testing which may I say is definitely NO FUN! I don't know how many females enjoy pap smears and speculum's, I sure as hell don't. But I definitely DID NOT enjoy the foot long steel rod that was inserted into my cervix, then uterus, and then finally into my ovaries. That day is for sure one of my best days ever! Please note the sarcasm. After that the baby making took a turn. I decided on my own, or of course my vagina decided not to be put through the torture anymore. No way No how. So I went on with my life and went through the next few months not thinking about babies or kids at all. Then in September (one year after we had gotten married and went off the pill) I was suffering from a sinus infection and cold....or so I thought. After a few weeks of feeling exhausted and congested I did a pregnancy test to make sure, and that beautiful blue line appeared. I was pregnant. Seeing as it was my first and I had never experienced pregnancy I went out and bought a book to teach me the joys and wonders of the greatest miracle and gift given to us women. I can say that now but at the time when my head was stuck in the toilet for the 10th time each day, I think I had asked my husband what I had done to deserve such torture. I really disliked being pregnant. Then one night I was lying in bed and felt a little foot kick my side. It was unbelievable. The feeling of shear happiness hit me. However then again the next morning after throwing up again for a bit I think it left. Well this continued throughout my pregnancy. Not the puking, just the back and forth of liking it... to... not so much. The worst part was when the ECP's (evil crotch pains) appeared. If any female has experienced these I feel for ya. The pains described as "mild discomfort" were hideous. Thankfully a good friend of mine had prewarned me on anything that was not so good with the joys of pregnancy.

Any who. Finally my due date came....and went. Then the next week I begged and pleaded with my OB to induce me as I was not only miserable but worried for my sons safety. So on June 11th I was induced at 9:00pm and after 24 hours of back labour was taken in for a c-section. My son was healthy and here. The next few months went by very fast and are mildly a blur as not much sleep was I don't really remember too much. When my son was about 3 months I started to have different symptoms. After a week or so I realized I was in postpartum. After a few more weeks I noticed my hormones were going crazy. I was tired, moody, and nauseous all over again. I told my husband I thought I was pregnant...again. He said there was no was just me being all hormonal. Well he was wrong and I was right...ha ha I love saying that. I was pregnant. Again. The same time as the year before. When we went in for an ultrasound we found out that indeed I was pregnant and the due date was approximately 2 weeks after my son was born.

It's funny. As I write this I am happy. Happy is something that I can't say I have really been for the past 38 days. I have had moments where I am good. I have had moments where I can laugh or smile. But I can't say I have been happy. Reliving that one day when I decided to pee on a stick and within seconds I got another blue line. That day when I set up the video camera and put my blue-lined pee stick on the counter and waited. When my husband came in I had asked him to look on the counter. Of course he looked at everything but the stick. I had the camera on and focused on him. Finally after looking around at everything but the stick I yelled out "Look at the stick man! The stick. The stick!" As he picked up the stick a long "Nooooo" came out of his mouth. I am smiling thinking about this. He was not unhappy. He was shocked. At that moment I exuberantly yelled out "See. I'm not crazy. I'm hormonal and PREGNANT!" It took him awhile to get over the shock. LOL. It was at that moment we new our lives would change. We new our lives would change when we had our first. Our son. He was and still is the light of our lives. But at the time, for some unknown reason we knew things would never be the same.

I think I will end this post with this. Like I said, this is the first time I have really smiled and had joy or happiness since June 2nd. I've missed it. So I think I will dwell in this for a bit.

Friday, July 9, 2010

My Story ...part 1

I decided to start writing a blog today. I did this thinking it might help others in the same situation to gain insight into what someone who has been through the same thing is thinking and feeling, or to help myself. I don't know how to start so I will just say I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a friend. I have had the unbelievable privileged of being pregnant twice.....back to back. My first, my son was due on June 6th 2009 and born via c-section on June 13th 2009. My second, my daughter was due June 28th 2010 and was born on June 2nd 2010 via c-section. She was Born Sleeping. I lost my baby girl Taelyn Marie a month ago. For causes unknown my little girl drifted off to sleep in the early hours of June 2nd.

The past month has almost been like a dream, or should I say nightmare. I have to keep reminding myself I am no longer pregnant, I have had 2 children, and that my little girl has left me and will not and cannot come back. I miss her every minute of every day.